It’s always pleasant when you’re able to carry a nice conversation with your hair stylist. Especially when she’s an older Hispanic woman that reminds you of your own mother… but does a better job at straightening your hair ;)
A line that I’ve heard several times in my life, but never truly took the time to mull it over. One of her coworkers walked past us, gorgeous man, and she starts teasing him calling him sexy etc etc and I smile and nod in agreement while he does silly poses.
She starts telling me what a pleasant coworker he is, a great stylist and that he’s gay.. which to her also means he takes veeeeery good care of himself. “Not all my gay friends,” she says “but most.” She goes on to say that he has a boyfriend who’s a lawyer and they love quite a nice life together. But what she likes the most about him is the fact that he sends his mother money and gifts.
“I really admire that about him. A man who takes care of his mother, that’s a good man, a man you keep.”
How have my past boyfriends and crushes been with their mother and how does that relate to how they have treated me in the past?
My ex was quite an ass to his mother. Always arguing, calling her stupid, telling her to shut up and hanging up on her quite often. Now, she was quite a handful to deal with. She was most of the time, a very unpleasant old woman, but she was also raised in old Poland, I’m sure that’s a big part of the reason why she is the way she is, and just to play Devil’s Advocate, losing his father at a young age, an older sister who always thought he was obnoxious and a pain-in-ass mom… many factors why their relationship is the way it is…
But when he started talking to me that way, well let’s just say I didn’t take lying down. And that’s a major reason why I would probably never be with him. Why be in a relationship where the man you love belittles your every move..?
But my other ex, my other long, serious relationship… He lost his mother. Actually when I first met him, it was still pretty recent. Raised by grandpa and his aunt in the same house he was born, same house where he found his mother no longer living. How does that affect his future relationships? His view on women.
I spent years of my life getting him through his emotional blockades, practically sacrificed myself for the cause. At least he ended up thanking me for everything I’ve done for him… late and waaaaay after the fact.. but better than nothing.
Then I have this one crush, who remembered nothing of his mother, who knew nothing till recently because of his selfish prick of a father. And it makes me wonder his point of view..
I have no real romantic experience with him other than that one time I tried to hold his hand Sophomore year of high school. It was always one of those awkward faraway loves that never quite had its time.
Friends we remained and if things continue on this course, that’s probably all we’ll ever be and I’ve accepted that fully and honestly. Do I hope for more one day? I’d be lying if I said it never crossed my mind.
But I digress!
The same topic could be switched to girls and their relationship with their father: their “first love”
My father was and still is a wonderful dad. He played with his, joked with us and laughed with us all throughout our childhood and to this day. But as a husband, he gets pretty low marks. A liar, a cheat. The things he’s done and said would make you think he was a different man.
How does this shape my view on men? Part of my fear of abandonment is probably linked to his past indiscretions. He’s still around though, parents married for 28years. But sometimes I wonder… have I put up with so much bullshit in the past because I’ve seen my own mother do it? A brave, tough woman, reduced to a ball of tears in the hospital just a few months ago…
I hope that instead of following through our parents footsteps, we learn and evolve in our lives and hopefully find someone who simply brings out the best in us and vice a versa. Whether or not that person is like your parentals… well you can’t control love right…?
Regardless of how lonely I may feel, I rarely ever let it seep out. Many would agree that I’m a pretty sociable person. Just the other day, my friends and I were driving through Murray Hill. I pointed out all the good bars and restaurants I’ve been to and said I’ve met plenty of cute guys along the way. To which a friend said “don’t you mean SEEN?” No, I’m pretty sure when Evelin says met.. I believe that she’s met them.” And it’s true, no matter what funk I may be drowning in, I will spark a conversation with anyone catching my eye. Doesn’t mean I’ll date them. Doesn’t mean it will always become more than a good talk with a stranger.
I was looking back at old pictures of a good friend of mine and the further back I went, the less I saw of myself. It then occurred to me that I was dating someone for most of those 3 years. And because I was moving so much before that relationship, we saw each other even less.
As much as I may have loved my ex, I regret all those nights I didn’t spend with my friends. I allowed him to hold me back. If he didn’t want to go out, we didn’t. If I went out on my own, he’d make me feel guilty, worse.. If he came out with us, he’d spoil everything.
I refuse to be someone’s pet again.
Some friendships end because of a relationship, and some relationships end because of a friendship. It’s ridiculous to me when the people you adore, from different sides of the spectrum don’t get along. Why would you want to cause drama towards someone you claim to love? Why be at your worse with your favorite person?
Being asked out by a stranger when you think you look like shit is the best compliment in the world. I was simply walking to the bank when this guy complimented my outfit. I smiled and said thank you and kept walking. On my way back, he was still there talking his friend. This time, he stopped me and asked me for my number. I refused.
I just don’t want to be in any kind of “dating” scene really. Merely by choice and I like that so much.
Yes being in a good relationship is nice and warm and so inviting but I don’t want to fill this gaping hole I feel with another person. Especially one that could just as easily disappear.
I haven’t seen my ex since November and I haven’t spoken to him since February. I have no idea what’s going on in his life and I’d rather not know. His existence is just a memory and I’m less than that to him by now. I’m okay with that.
My subconscious on the other hand, still likes to plop him in my dreams every once in a while. I had a dream last night that I was on a kind of date, and I saw my ex just walk right by. My reaction? I screamed. I screamed at his face and asked him what he was doing there. Hahaa.
I don’t want him around. And I especially don’t want a guy hanging around in any romantic sense while I’m still piecing my life together.
My nights are no longer rated by someone else’s opinion. If I had a good night it’s because of me. If I had a bad night.. It’s on me.
That’s the kind of freedom I enjoy. And until I’m ready to commit, until I can find someone that I have a conversation with, dance with, hang out with, someone that will enjoy my friends, someone that my friends will like around, someone my family can approve of… I will be that someone to myself.
I’m in a relationship with myself.
Have you ever watched that show I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant? The idea of someone not realizing such a huge change in their bodies astounds me. But then again when you see these women, most are normally overweight so when they gain a few extra pounds, they think nothing of it. But what about a period..?
How could someone not notice their period stopped.. Something they’ve had since the age of 13. A full week. Every single month of the year for the next 40-50 yrs of their lives.
But! Some said that they still had a period, but not as heavy… Spotty. Kinda scary hahaa
I’ve had my period since I was 12. What a life changer. All of a sudden I had to buy pads, tampons. The cramps, bloating and fatigue. The worse than normal temper (in my case) And when you’re not careful about keeping yourself hydrated and well fed.. Dizziness, nausea and vomiting occur. I learned this the hard way during my spring choir recital, I skipped breakfast and almost passed out at the age of 13.
It wasn’t until I got older and became “sexually active” that I began to appreciate it a little more. It’s your body’s way of saying “hey! You’re not a mom yet!” I have had my share of pregnancy scares tho, as much as I hate to admit it. Things happen. The condom breaks.. You forget your pill, you get drunk and have sex.. Etc. Thank you Plan B.
The idea of someone young getting pregnant in this day and age is ridiculous to me… If it was unplanned. There are soooooo many contraceptives to prevent it and there’s a way to end it as well. I’m pro-choice but the idea of having to do it myself scares me..
I have many friends and have heard many stories of young girls getting pregnant and say “yeah we just didn’t use a condom” To me, that’s the equivalent of meeting a person who doesn’t know how to read because they chose not to.
Now I’m not talking down to young mothers. I know a select few who love their kid, takes care of them and wants nothing but the best for their baby, and wow do I respect that! My own mother was young. She was MY age when she had me, 20 when she had my sister and 29 when she had my brother.
I respect her so much because I honestly believe that both my parents brought us up so well for such young people and I hope for that outcome every time I see young parents, unfortunately that’s just not always the case.
If you can’t be a good parent then just don’t be one now.
The idea of me being pregnant one day scares me a little. And I’m sure it scares practically everyone at one point. Trying to picture my body blow up and feeling the kicking.. I’m not pushing anything out of me tho. C section all the way. Besides, I have small hips, I might not even have a choice..
I can’t be pregnant now. I’m still trying to learn how to take care of myself, be on my own. I recently moved out, found a good job and no boyfriend. What would I do with a baby…?
When someone hands me their baby to hold, I freak out a little inside thinking of all the things that could happen to this little person. When I see a mom in the city pushing a baby carriage across the street makes me panic a little. The danger and it never really stops. You just get used to the idea the longer you’re around.. something might one day and will eventually happen. Everyone’s survival rate drops to 0.
But then again, being a parent and trying to teach your child the best way you possibly can, to be loved in a completely different way, to have a part of you staring right into your eyes, that’s magical.
I’m on my period and I’m dizzy. I drank coffee after a 6-7mth hiatus. Never again. I went out drinking last night, barely ate and got home late. Again, not smart. I drank countless cups of water today which means I’m constantly having to pee. No cramps today, yay. But the bloating.. Makes me look pregnant. Scary haha
C’mon body, prove to me I’m not!…nah I know I’m not..
Next show: I Thought I wasn’t Pregnant on the Oxygen channel
Males don’t know how good they have it sometimes.
No one ever says “Evelin I can’t talk anyone but you.” “Evelin you’re the only person I can talk to, the only person I can confide in.” No one. I give my advice, my choice words of wisdom from being in their position and it means nothing. My words are meaningless and worthless to everyone.
How is that supposed to make me feel? When someone says in front of my face…
I bring comfort only to myself. I bring strength only to myself. And I guess that’s how my life will be. Just by myself.
My greatest fear is abandonment. I feel it every day. And watching a “good friend” go through the agony of being rejected and I mean nothing to her.
Well that’s what life is. A series of unfortunate events. A series of disappointments.
My life could be worse of course. But being a person in the position I am in this life, in this world, you’d think it’d be better..
I’m realizing every single day that I am better off alone.. At least for a long while more.
Who will care about me more than myself?
Not family bound by blood, not friends bound my memory, not lovers bound by you touching moments.
Only myself. Only you.
Cupid doesn’t work for me. My loneliness keeps me company.
There’s a well known quote that says it’s one thing being alone and feeling lonely, but it’s something worse being surrounded by friends and family and still feeling that gripping loneliness.
They say that you can’t choose your family.. that your group of friends is the family you choose. People say many things… I call bullshit. On life, love and friendship.
The longer I’m surrounded by people, the more I resent them. I resent family who treat me like a stranger, I resent friends who treat me like an enemy, I resent lovers who treat me like a whore.
I’ve always been told I speak with a tone, as if I’m talking down to people. I’ve been told I don’t do well with others. I’ve been told I have a bad temper. All the while, I’ve been under the impression that things were good, that I was a good person. I always do my best for first impressions, friendships and relationships. I care about others, do favors for others, speak out for others, and in return I’m told this.
I have never been the one, the bestie, the favorite. No one writes songs about me, draws me. I’ve never inspired nor have I been sought after.
All my childhood I felt the title outsider hover above my head. 24years have passed. All along I thought the title was getting smaller.. the more friends I made, the more parties I’ve gone to, the money I’d spend on make up and clothes, the compliments.. None of it mattered.. Because the title only grew. And I am the only one who sees it.
Surrounded by family and friends with no one to talk to, confide in. I always say “don’t worry, I won’t judge you, you can talk to me.” I wouldn’t trust someone with my secrets and thoughts, simply because I’ve seen them.. these people.. I’ve seen what they’re capable of.
My self preservation saves me.
As I got older, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut when it comes to my feelings, my fears. It only brings bad luck and anxiety.
But what’s even worse, is something out of a Brand New song.
“Can’t keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.”
A friendship. A crush. A kiss. A daydream. I wanted to keep it all in. Do nothing. And apparently that’s all it was and all it will ever mean to everyone except myself. Nothing.
I am nothing but a person surrounded by more and more people until the day I die. Only in death do you realize who truly cares, who stands by your side.. and that is only yourself.
You only have yourself, treasure that friendship among all others. Because it’s the only true one. A hard truth.
I don’t know if I could simply say it was “just a bad weekend” or if I’ve been on this rough patch my entire life. I used to cry alone as a child and never knew why, only that I was lonely. Now I understand my loneliness and now I understand that I can’t do anything about it, but accept it.
Moving doesn’t help. I moved to different cities, towns, states and countries. Made new friends, listen to new music and started new habits. Loneliness is a part of me, and as crushing as it might be, well at least I’m alive.
Death isn’t an adventure, it’s an end. As long as I’m alive, I could strive for some kind of change. But they say the definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again, hoping for a different outcome.
I’ve also been told that “Evelin’s” are crazy, by a little boy at church when I was 12.
People say many things. I think I’m done with listening to them. Let them burden themselves and free myself from whatever chains this life has given me.
Insane or not, I just know I can’t continue on like this. I need to be smart if I want to change. Strong and courageous.
Who knows, maybe it’s the crazy talking.