No WiFi
This is my first international post. I am in an internet cafe in Managua, Nicaragua. Don´t know where that it? Google it. I have 20min left to type this out. Ugh. I´m also upset that I don´t even have a picture to show any of you because I have no actual wifi to connect my iPod touch to or my laptop.
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I brought my camera with me as well and have been taking videos. Some of my family, some of my surroundings, and some random things to give you a feel. So yeah, my Instagram pictures are stuck in Limbo lolmy dad is planning on getting WiFi hopefully tomorrow, so we´ll see!
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This is my 2nd day here and so far I haven´t done anything Extraordinary but a few good things have happened. It´s always nice seeing family and noticing all the ways that you´re different. Like you mannerisms. Some I hate, some I can live with, some aren´t so different at all.
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I have to say this know. I wish I could take a picture of this keyboard because it´s honestly downright annoying and confusing. Some key buttons are not where they usually are and it´s slowing me down lol
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I got my 1st international mosquito bite of the season today. And it wasn´t even outside! I was indoors, in a salon, with A/C getting my nails done, when it struck my thigh. WTF?…. actually it´s ¿WTf?! lol
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Right now I´m in the capital, and my parents are running errands for a my grandmother´s birthday in Momotombo which is my favorite little village here. That´s where a lot of the magic will happen. Like riding my bike, going in the lake, hiking up mountains and volcanos lol pictures and videos will be awesome… at least that´s what I´m conjuring up in my head. Oh, and horse back riding, yes.
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I´m staying here for 2 weeks, wish it was longer but at the time that I bought my ticket, I was on the fence about leaving my job. Oh well, I have things I need to do back in the states with my new life :)
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I´m finally free from everything and everyone. Cut my losses and moving forward.
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13min left.
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So this internet cafe is literally around the corner from my grandmother´s house here in Managua and I just learned of it. I´m hoping I don´t come here every 5min to check my facebook notifications lol I kind of like being off the grid.
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I´m glad I got to see a lot of my friends before I left too. Miss you guys ;* (kisses)
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Now I have to make sure I log out of EVERYTHING before some random Nicaraguen person starts pretending to be me…or worse! accidentally deleting something..eek 8min left!
Silently i try to find his scent on me, and silently I weep, because there is no trace of him ever being here.
To you know who you are….
Our relationship always had a lack of communication. And every time I tried to say something, you either took it as an argument, or you wouldn’t take it seriously enough. But as a person, and as a girlfriend, I did not deserve the way that you cut me out like that, and ignored me like that, to the point that it took me 2 weeks for me to get my things.
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What kind of person does that…. to someone they claimed they loved for 3yrs, to someone that supported them through everything, someone that believed they could do anything, because “it will all work out in the end” Work out for who?
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But I will probably never know the real answer to that question. And frankly, eventually, I will not even care what that answer is. Because, eventually, you will be just some guy that I used to know. And what ever happened through out these past 3 years will no longer matter. And honestly, I don’t think I could ever forgive you for that.
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I don’t know whether you did what you did because you really love me and wanted to toughen me out, or you did what you did because you no longer want me in your life anymore. You pushed me into a reality that holds all of my fears. You forced me to face and fight them all alone. Should I thank you, or should I hate you.
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But perhaps that was your true intention. For me to face the reality that we are all alone. Are we not? To learn how to not want and always need someone, especially for the wrong reasons.
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You were the only guy that when I met you, at that moment, I knew that I wanted to be with you. Not for the wrong reasons. Not to get over someone. Not for fear, not to be fulfilled. I wanted to be with you simply because I wanted to.
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I felt like we could simply be happy, not try, just be. We could join our lives, grow and move forward. We could be good for each other, good to each other. But something happened, something wrong. And we got stuck somewhere.
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Our lives were clashing and everything was getting dark. I began to get scared and tried so hard to hold on to that happiness, but it continued to escape me. And I began to get angry, so so angry. And what we had began to rot.
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Then you left me. After I tried so hard, you left me and everything we had. But perhaps that was the issue. Happiness shouldn’t be something you have to fight to have. Happiness simply is.
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Eventually what you say or do not say, what you do or not do will no longer compromise my composure. We no longer belong. Our lives are cut from each other and you no longer have a name to me. You are a pronoun. There is no familiarity. He, him.. that guy, that kid. You will simply be a memory. You have a place in my mind but not my heart. You will be in a dark and dusty backroom. Not forgotten but rarely ever thought of.
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And I have a sense of relief with that realization, but with a little voice of sadness. That voice used to be so much louder in my head. Filled me with a want for you every day. Crushed me and overwhelmed me.
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But… eventually I will no longer care for this, have a want for this, have a need for this or even miss this. And that is that.
First song that always comes to mind on a Friday morning<3
(Source: paint-vulgar-picture)
Today is my last day working in my NYC office as an Office Manager. This change was in the back of my mind for several months but for different reasons. My reason for leaving is partially to spark a nice change in my life, the other is partially me running away from someone.
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You see, I have always wanted to go back to school (graduated in 2007) but every time I thought about it, it was for a different major. Now I am set in Business Management. And I think that now I might be a little more appreciative to my education than I did when I was 18.
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I also have job experience in my field. I’ve been working in several office environments since my senior year of HS.
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The running away part…. the school he is planning to attend to is down the street from my work place and I no longer want to see him. So I am relieved. Pathetic reason but knowing that I no longer have to think about him or even say his name (which I have not since this ended) eases me and I am no longer having panic attacks, nightmares and I can eat without nausea (yay)
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Back on topic, change. Well I don’t think I consider this a change persay, it’s more of becoming who I imagine myself to be. Bring my “alter-ego” to life. Be that artistic person I am in my head. Dress the way I want to dress, speak the way I want to speak, read the books I want to read, sing those songs, play that music, learn everything, enlighten myself.
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I’ve been growing my hair out for a year now, one more and it will be the same lenghth I had it when I was 16. I miss my long, long locks. I’m considering dying it light pink. Now, I’m not following some facade. I just now have the freedom to do it. I can’t really come into a NYC corporate office with pink hair, now can I? lol
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I don’t want it to be a bright pink. No Hot pink. A light pastel. Quirky and classy. I also will be taking loads of care of my hair. I don’t want it to look dirty or dry and worn out like some girls I know.
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Pink is how I feel and what I want to express. I remember when I had the long hair, I had it black (a coloring accident that I kept and grew to love) The day after I cut it, I dreamt that I had light pink tips and streaks in the lower layers. It was so cute and still edgy. I also wish I had the chance to color it midnight blue, but I was young and a little timid.
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That is me no longer lol I also see 2 tattoos in my future.
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Luckily for me, I can now collect and pursue my freedom. Any and all of them. 60% weekly, what a dream lol
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I can now go back to Piano. I miss it terribly. I first started learning from my ex boyfriend from HS, then started a class in Hoboken and I think I’ll go back to Hoboken :)
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French. Why not buy that Rosetta Stone cd?
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School for Business Management and possibly F.I.T afterwards into merchandising and small business courses.
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Take singing and dancing classes also.
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This image of myself that I’m creating with all these variables. I want it because it signifies that I will be happy with what I am doing, because I am doing it for myself. I will be who I want to be simply because it’s for ME.
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Oh! and a new car…a nice, small good used car. Yes. Good for traveling for little roadtrips with friends.
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This summer signigies my time and it makes me happy. Like I said, not a new chapter…a whole new book entirely…with my name written ALL over it.
So you see as everything gets mixed up
From your heart to your lips, I become a headache (problem)
Your laugh defies me to let you go
Before losing hold and abandoning
Because I would never ask you for that much
You already treat me like a big child
And we have nothing left to lose
Except our lives, which we have set aside
And he still loves me, and me I love you a little more
But he still loves me, and me I love you a little more
I enjoyed this song before I translated the lyrics, and fell in love with it when I did. Music has no language barriers.
(Source: beatriceisaunicorn)
“Pardon My French” Episode 4
Garance is just such a happy person, I love it!
I believe I just found my French Idol - Garance Doré
(Source: garancedore.fr)
Ooh Là Là
I’ve decided to do a swan dive into French music and below are several artists I have fallen for. I find a woman’s French accent to be so Romantic. So, why not pick up a little French? Live and let live.
I’m not apologizing anymore
Honestly, I feel better now that it’s over. My anxiety is slowly subsiding. I may not have a tight grip on my future, but at least I can now start letting go of my past and simply let it be.
I may still be thinking of you but I’m not blaming myself anymore. I am no longer imagining things I should have done or things I should have said instead of what actually happened.
The only way I am thinking of you is bumping into you in a few years. You seeing me fulfilled with myself. And if that does not happen, which of course is a possibility, it doesn’t matter and will not affect me.
I don’t miss you anymore. I can almost say I am over you.
Part of me wants to thank you for forcing me into this reality which holds all my fears and being able to fight myself into becoming a better me.
I am going to be by myself for a long while. I don’t know exactly for how long, but I know that when I’m finally on a track and happy with myself, I’ll be able to grow and not become a parasite, and not fall victim to one.
I don’t even call this a new chapter in my life. I consider this a whole new book entirely.
